Let’s Make it Worse

Hi there, is this Oracle?


I’ve got a great idea for your MySQL product. You know, the open source project you took on and then systematically Oracle-ified.

What about it?

How about we bloat the driver?

I’m sorry, what?

You know, add a good couple of megabytes of bloatware to the JDBC MySQL connector to slow it down.

Why would we do that?

Well, it would make AWS Lambdas start really slowly, thus paying them back for making improvements to the MySQL engine in their Aurora product.

Keep talking.

And thus you could continue your push towards expensive corporate bloatware.

Tell me, can you laugh maniacally?

Mwah hahahahahahahahaha

I like it… you’re hired!

Brilliant. Let’s hope nobody discovers the existence of the open source MariaDB JDBC Connector, which at 600k is 1.7MB smaller than the MySQL connector.


True story. Cold start time nearly halved when I switched to the Maria connector.

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