Here are some jobs I hope will become available on the jobs market in 2024.
Jira Harmonizer – someone who forces empowered teams to use Jira in a consistent way because, you know, standards.
ChatGPT Wrangler – someone who simply feeds ChatGPT prompts until something that doesn’t look too moronic pops out; the wrangler then sends that down to the disseminator for spreading.
ChatGPT Disseminator – rather than using automation to spread useful human ideas, ChatGPT is used to create specious nonsense, which a human then has to post on whatever Twitter’s called these days, along with all other forms of social networks.
Crypto Apologiser – following the outrageous insider-trading-heavy and crazy pump and dump schemes used to promote Crypto Currency, the bigger institutions have been forced to hire individuals to go round apologising for how bad an idea it really was. They mainly use the ChatGPT team to achieve this.
Social Media Influenza – a person who spreads misinformation, like a virus, on social media. Hired by companies to keep people confused, so they don’t notice how corporate optimisation leads, essentially, to modern slavery.
Just Stop Ale Protester – a false flag operation, run by a consortium of micro breweries. These protesters claim to be supporting the soft-drinks industry by demonstrating against real ales. However, they’re so ridiculous that more people buy more ales.
Laptop Nobbler – security specialist who can make a laptop so secure that it’s only really useable as a paperweight, or a kudgel.
TikTok Coach – a person with a stop watch who stands over you until you produce more short form videos.
Toxic Positivity Hustler – coaches people to filter out their humanity and only show their positive side, this side being entirely negative to everyone else.
Screen Photographer – photographs people’s screens.
Online Whiteboard Janitor – goes round cleaning up people’s online whiteboards after they become so full that they won’t even load within the duration of a meeting. Online whiteboards are otherwise never cleaned, so they contain a strange mixture of useful information surrounding entirely irrelevant nonsense.
Etiquette Gatekeeper – someone whose job it is to tell you that you’ve probably offended someone, regardless of whether anyone is present to be offended.
Etiquette Gatekeeper Gatekeeper – someone whose job it is to tell you that you’re probably about to be harangued by an Etiquette Gatekeeper.
Panic Introspector – helps a team to stop doing anything that might raise alarm bells with the powers that be by sowing seeds of fear, risk aversion and mysticism. They have to learn the catchphrase “are we sure this is a thing we want to be seen doing?”.
Hyper Hyper – a person who’s so hyped up about the hype that they’re hyper hyping. Not suitable for diabetics as this may cause a hyped up hyper hypo.
Meme Cringer – helps teams communicate entirely in memes, while also declaring memes to be “cringe”.
Contactless Denier – brought in by companies that refuse to take card payments to come up with evermore implausible reasons why cash is somehow a better way to trade.
You may have some roles that you’d like to see in 2024, please share them in the comments.
The Coding Craftsman 